Letting Go!!!

Its been a crazy journey at IIFT. and its almost coming to an end. The only thing remaining are exams, 2 vivas and a dissertation. And of course placements!! But this too will be over soon.. Its going to be tough to let go of everything. My first taste of living on my own and that too in a completely new city which was as different from Mumbai as it could possibly be. I have had the most amazing experience so far. Wonderful diversity of people who came from lirterally every corner of the country giving me great insights not only into their behaviours but also of me as a person. This included my adjusting and becoming a better person. I hate the fact that I will move away from a majority of these people who I have come to consider a second family away from home. Apart from that the media coordinator position was just such a blessing. I loved every moment of it whether it was interacting with the media, the PR agency or my lovely juniors. It has indeed been a great ride so far. And now once again there is some uncertainty but i am sure that things are going to end well. As I type this my best friend at IIFT sits on the bed next to mine laughing at an episode of Boston Legal. The girl's gang I was a part of is around doing their own thing. These people have been such excellent friends, support system and partners in crime, that i fail to remember when I formed so many strong bonds in such a short time in the past. It will indeed be a difficult task letting go of it all but i do hope that this is the end of only the physical proximity to each other and not the excellent relationships forged here.

In a state of turmoil.

I love the starting lines from a movie titled "The Holiday". They go something like this.

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare says journeys end and love is meeting. extraordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespeare had. I suppose, I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said Love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicably love fades. For others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for a night. And then there's the other kind of love; the cruellest kind; the one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us, the ones who fall in love alone? We are the victims of a one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the unloved ones, the walking wounded, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space."

Ok, Maybe things are'nt quite as bad as this, you know how movies exaggerate everything. But it cuts pretty close to the truth. I look around and find almost all my friends happy with someone who proclaims he will love them forever. It's nice to see them growing up and moving on with their lives. But it unfortunately shows me how alone I am. The fact that my best friends now do not have as much time for me as they used adds to the loneliness and reminds me of the days when I would childishly tell my parents, I will never get married but stay with you and take care of you guys" and they would say "That's not the right way to think, everyone needs somebody to take care of them" Of course in my childhood I was also stubborn and I would scoff at this thought that I, an independent and smart young woman who has done pretty well academically and is very likely to build a career where she will be financially independent actually needs a guy to be happy. I now see the folly in that. It's funny how a lot of things come and bite you in the ass when you do not take informed decisions. I hate being bitten in the ass.

So what is it that has brought me to such a candid confession? I do not know really. Its probably the fact that I actually have developed another crush which I fast see coming to nothing. I'm pretty sure we both like each other but for some reason I think I am the only one who sees this as a crush or rather something beyond being friends, and that just makes it worse cos the guy being a friend is someone I cannot let go completely of either.

So how is it that all my friends are seeing someone and I am not. I cannot be so unloveable. I know for a fact that I am smart, funny, compassionate and understanding. I am good at making friends and keeping them and have an easy disposition. Usually people have a good opinion about me and trust me easily. And I am pretty good looking too apart from some flab which simply has to be got rid of soon.

Letting go; that's another thing I seem to be an expert for. Everytime I come across a guy and realise he may have other ties, or things are just not possible w/o some struggle I let go saying it was'nt meant to be most probably. I usually dont let go of anything w/o a fight actually but this is the exception to the rule and the reason is that I believe people cannot be forced into something like falling in love.

Well I do not have a conclusion to this. Maybe there is no such thing as real love and movies have hyped it to such an extent that a majority of its audience actually began believing in it and went ahead and fell in love with the other gullible fools who watched movies. This is the mean explanation I can come up with to console myself. The flip-side to this of course is that at least those gullible fools are happy while i am spending half an hour posting this analysis based on nothing but my assumptions. Maybe I should do a market research on this and title it " Love as a Commodity". Anyways, does'nt look like I am going to find the solution anytime soon so I myt as well stop beating around the bush and do something productive. However my dear readers, if you have any profound thoughts to offer to this confused person please feel free to do so. Either tell me how I could stop having crushes on people which do not amount to anything or how to convert them(preferable option) into something :P And if this fails, I guess I will have to do a market research on it.