Fleeting thoughts....

I'm stuck on the song Maria sang in The Sound of Music when she set out for her first day with the Von Trapp family "I have confidence in me". It may have something to do with the current phase where I am going to start looking out for something or it may not. Suddenly the emotions and the deeper meaning of the song seems to make so much more sense to me. And one realises that this is pretty much the decision which will select the path my life will take for a long time. Which gets us to the point where you realise running around like a headless chicken is no longer acceptable.... Informed decisions are the order of the day!

Letting Go!!!

Its been a crazy journey at IIFT. and its almost coming to an end. The only thing remaining are exams, 2 vivas and a dissertation. And of course placements!! But this too will be over soon.. Its going to be tough to let go of everything. My first taste of living on my own and that too in a completely new city which was as different from Mumbai as it could possibly be. I have had the most amazing experience so far. Wonderful diversity of people who came from lirterally every corner of the country giving me great insights not only into their behaviours but also of me as a person. This included my adjusting and becoming a better person. I hate the fact that I will move away from a majority of these people who I have come to consider a second family away from home. Apart from that the media coordinator position was just such a blessing. I loved every moment of it whether it was interacting with the media, the PR agency or my lovely juniors. It has indeed been a great ride so far. And now once again there is some uncertainty but i am sure that things are going to end well. As I type this my best friend at IIFT sits on the bed next to mine laughing at an episode of Boston Legal. The girl's gang I was a part of is around doing their own thing. These people have been such excellent friends, support system and partners in crime, that i fail to remember when I formed so many strong bonds in such a short time in the past. It will indeed be a difficult task letting go of it all but i do hope that this is the end of only the physical proximity to each other and not the excellent relationships forged here.

In a state of turmoil.

I love the starting lines from a movie titled "The Holiday". They go something like this.

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare says journeys end and love is meeting. extraordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespeare had. I suppose, I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said Love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicably love fades. For others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for a night. And then there's the other kind of love; the cruellest kind; the one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us, the ones who fall in love alone? We are the victims of a one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the unloved ones, the walking wounded, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space."

Ok, Maybe things are'nt quite as bad as this, you know how movies exaggerate everything. But it cuts pretty close to the truth. I look around and find almost all my friends happy with someone who proclaims he will love them forever. It's nice to see them growing up and moving on with their lives. But it unfortunately shows me how alone I am. The fact that my best friends now do not have as much time for me as they used adds to the loneliness and reminds me of the days when I would childishly tell my parents, I will never get married but stay with you and take care of you guys" and they would say "That's not the right way to think, everyone needs somebody to take care of them" Of course in my childhood I was also stubborn and I would scoff at this thought that I, an independent and smart young woman who has done pretty well academically and is very likely to build a career where she will be financially independent actually needs a guy to be happy. I now see the folly in that. It's funny how a lot of things come and bite you in the ass when you do not take informed decisions. I hate being bitten in the ass.

So what is it that has brought me to such a candid confession? I do not know really. Its probably the fact that I actually have developed another crush which I fast see coming to nothing. I'm pretty sure we both like each other but for some reason I think I am the only one who sees this as a crush or rather something beyond being friends, and that just makes it worse cos the guy being a friend is someone I cannot let go completely of either.

So how is it that all my friends are seeing someone and I am not. I cannot be so unloveable. I know for a fact that I am smart, funny, compassionate and understanding. I am good at making friends and keeping them and have an easy disposition. Usually people have a good opinion about me and trust me easily. And I am pretty good looking too apart from some flab which simply has to be got rid of soon.

Letting go; that's another thing I seem to be an expert for. Everytime I come across a guy and realise he may have other ties, or things are just not possible w/o some struggle I let go saying it was'nt meant to be most probably. I usually dont let go of anything w/o a fight actually but this is the exception to the rule and the reason is that I believe people cannot be forced into something like falling in love.

Well I do not have a conclusion to this. Maybe there is no such thing as real love and movies have hyped it to such an extent that a majority of its audience actually began believing in it and went ahead and fell in love with the other gullible fools who watched movies. This is the mean explanation I can come up with to console myself. The flip-side to this of course is that at least those gullible fools are happy while i am spending half an hour posting this analysis based on nothing but my assumptions. Maybe I should do a market research on this and title it " Love as a Commodity". Anyways, does'nt look like I am going to find the solution anytime soon so I myt as well stop beating around the bush and do something productive. However my dear readers, if you have any profound thoughts to offer to this confused person please feel free to do so. Either tell me how I could stop having crushes on people which do not amount to anything or how to convert them(preferable option) into something :P And if this fails, I guess I will have to do a market research on it.

Music makes me lose control... :P

Got a new Ipod... Its a gift from my brother... so Yay!!!! he did something nice for a change... :P Just got to figure out how to use it now... However installing the itunes software/ etc on my lappy made me actually look at the songs i have on my laptop too.. and i didnt realise how long it has been since i heard these... to many at this point of time they may sound like the golden oldies... am listening to Backstreet's Back now and thinking back to 7th std which is when I went crazy about these guys, remembering how we used to find the line " Am I sexual" scandalous even though it doesnt mean anything if you think of it rationally( the person who wrote their songs was granatically challenged I guess.. they should just hire me instead in the future.. :P:D) Anyways its fun to listen to these and I cant wait to put them on the Ipod.

Now here's the thing, I dont understand what gives VH1 the idea that we like rap and Hip-Hop... I think those two are the worst possible thing that could happen to Music... or even a way to console those people who just cant sing and think that them talking fast and in an incomprehensible way is them singing ..... Whats wrong with people that is not music.... please for heaven's sake start singing... let us hear some instruments playing somewhere in the background and some rhythm in your voice.. some softness and emotion apart from that of wanting to shoot everyone else down....

Anyways I am thankful to the Michael Buble's and James Blunt's of the world.... Thank god for you.... I hope people regain their senses and start listening to SONGS again rather than long lists of expletives being strewn around by people who frankly seem more suited for professions such as mugging people in the middle of the night on deserted roads..... And i am grateful that my favourites like Backstreet Boys and westlife still sing.... Some sanity prevails in this mad chaos....

Questions once more

Its 2:40 at night and I still feel like I am looking for something. I am not satisfied at all at the moment. What am i supposed to be doing here? I think I am just going to shoot off questions in this post and you just have to bear with me... I am of course assuming that someone reads this blog other than me...

As I approach another change and a big one at that, these questions just get more and more confusing.... I am at the moment in a very unique situation.... Most of my friends are, by now, settled happily in life be it their job, their clarity on career path or being committed to someone. I suddenly find I have none of these stabilising factors.... and its driving me a little insane with worry. Once more I will be uprooted from a settled lifestyle( that of a carefree student) and thrown into the big mean rat race... Only now it gets much more meaner and dirtier... It is at times like this that i question my ability.... I know I have proven myself many times before... often surprising everyone around me pleasantly but I am not sure how much effort will be necessary to pull off a surprise here... And man do i need to pull off a brilliant surprise here...

In case This is sounding very vague let me just put it down as a series of questions as they come to my mind

Is college really coming to an end

Will I ever have as much fun as I do now( Esp felt when i witness the daily adventures of my fav characters in class Sayo, Meanie, Ipsi,Shveta, Neha, Rohatgi and STRAWBERRY!!! :P)

Where the bloody hell am i headed in life now? I am still struggling to figure out which stream I am gng to get myself into and theres a month and a half left... im so dead

Will I be able to adjust to another change in life

Am I even doing the right thing, especialy when I see all my school friends working , settled in their lives, buying homes and cars...and i am again at a stage where i have to start out with nothing in hand....

What do companies expect of me now? How does one prepare???

Why am i so clueless.. Please dear god tell me everyone feels the same cluelessness

So now do you see why i am so sleepless tonight???? Please let me find the answers to some of these questions soon.....

Controversies, the spice of life????? / SCHADENFREUDE

My last post invited a lot of brickbats from my Bengali friends which they were kind enough to give me in person rather than post it here. I'd just like to say, that it was meant in sport, I love Kolkata for all practical purposes. It has been home to me for the last 1 and a half years and a certain fondness is sure to follow such a long association. However I do apologise if it hurt anybody's sentiments. Ans since that was posted publicly, an apology needs to be made publicly. Please try to understand that I joke( sometimes a bit too much) but thats who i am and i only joke about things that are close to my heart or mater to me the most, else I am indifferent to the world.

Now having said all that, I love controversies, don't you? Its so much fun. Who does not love to turn to the last and second last page of the supplement and see what the local celebrities have been upto? I guess a certain feeling called schadenfreude(german) is responsible for this. What this loosely means is deriving pleasure from someone else's misfortune. So you turn to these pages in search of entertainment, take pleasure from the fact that somebody else is having a tough time too.Some common thoughts on reading these pages "Ohh Britney Spears had another break up, How can she possible live like this, she deserves it".

Take a minute to pause, admitted she has made a lot of money by just singing and looking pretty or whatever, but she has made it herself and she has put in a lot of efforts getting to where she is. Is this your jealousy acting up? Are you so frustrated in life that you want to be the gossipmonger waiting to see someone fall so you can talk about it. Why dont you just do something with your life instead?

Schadenfreude may offer you a release from your daily worries, a temporary feeling of ohh she's having a much worse time than I am and I'm so glad for it. But that's the thing about it, its TEMPORARY. And its not very nice. Laughing at others misfortunes just shows how depressed you are with your life. That time could instead have been better utilised thinking about what to do with your day and how you can obtain something positive.

And for those who are at the centre of controversies, all I can say is good for you. You were important enough for people around you to sit up, take notice of your action and pass judgement. You must be doing something right to get so much attention and talktime. At least there is something people will remember you for and your life on this planet will not be a complete waste. So as long as your living your life on your terms and doing what you think is right, not hurting anyone and something positive is coming out of your action, dont worry. Carry on. You are probably on the right track. Better to be the one being talked about than the one doing the talking i guess. Probably the reason I dont pay attention to all the idle gossip about my life(hehe see how nicely I have managed to work myself into the post and inform you whether im the one doing the talking or the one talked about; I do not believe in leaving confusion in your minds ever :P) And yes, controversies are the spice of life for you too, because it means your doing something so off-track and different that its getting other's attention. Also you are thinking rather than taking the path commonly treaded(trode??? whats the word. Ed board, please help!!!) So thats about all i have to say on this. Until I find something else to talk about. Have Fun.... :)

The Pest my Parents want to protect :P:D:P

So apparently my little brother(23 years), Kaustubh, got breathless one day. His girlfriend, Isha, was around at the time and came running frantically to my parents. Obviously my parents got all nervous too and took him to the hospital. Turns out Lil Kaustubh has problems with the fumes from the pest control... So me in my deductive thinking vein got thinking and came up with this... If the objective of doing a pest control activity is to get rid of the pests, and Kaustubh has problems with it too... then he should be a pest right... :P:D

Do animals adopt the behaviour of the people surrounding them....

Eureka!!! I have found the answer in Kolkata. The answer is they do btw. Here is a comparative study between animals from the same species in Mumbai and Kolkata

Cats: In Kolkata- I am a cat person... I had a pet cat so i pretty much understand what noises they make for what occassion. So here's the situation.. I am quietly studying for my exams tomorrow and I hear the sound of two tomcats readying for a fight. I tell Ashmita, those two cats are going to fight. For the next 15 mins I hear those cats making warning noises at each other. I finally reach the limits of my patience(anticipation???) and decide to investigate. What do you think i found??? In traditional Bengali syle, these two tomcats are standing at a foot distance from each other and growling away to glory. They are not even attacking each other... Not that i wante them to attack each other(Not a sadist) but I think after all that build up they should have at least left some scratch marks on each other.

The mumbai cats: I remember my cat,(stupid creature) always getting into fights. And he got into fights at exactly 6 in the morning, when i woke up because he knew i'd come get him out of it( For the unbelieving , I have actuallt hit another tomcat with a stick to get him to leave my cat alone...I think i was taking the girls getting into cat fights thing a little too seriously at that stage of life.. :P however coming back to the comparision without further digression, in Mumbai when these creatures decide to fight, they actually do that rather than have debates with each other like Bengali cats.

Similarly the dogs in Kolkata do not get off the road even if you honk at them. They continue sleeping and you have to drive around them. Because they are entitled to the roads you see. Thats the great thing about Kolkata, everyone knows their rights and stands up for them.... The dogs in Mumbai can usually be seen on the road only while crossing it. Which they cross after checking both sides I am sure.

And don't even get me started on the cattle in Kolkata. Crazy things come straight at you. I have not really observed the cattle in Mumbai because i guess they are too meek and like the dogs and cats of mumbai go about their business of grazing and producing milk in a quiet business like fashion.

Anyways, I am pretty sure by now you must have guessed my exams are around the corner, because thats when im at my nuttiest best. So im going to end this post as abruptly as I started it. And oh the cat's fight was finally split up by a stray dog who started barking at them. :P I love Kolkata....

Forced to turn into an Insomniac

Is'nt it funny! Just a year back I had sworn I could never be the type who would stay up late hours and sleep 4 hrs a day like all the other MBA grads. But now I find I never really had the choice. What makes me wonder is do I really want to willingly step into a world where I know that most of my time will be given to work, that i may not have the time to enjoy simple things like go for a swim or listen to music? How can I possibly be doing this voluntarily.

Or am I just not able to optimise my time even now. I know of classmates who sleep 7 hrs a day and still manage to do a darn good job of whatever they are doing.

Or am I as usual biting off more than i can chew. I hope this habit of mine does'n t take me down one day.

Well whatever it is, it needs to be sorted out fast. I think next month will be easier as we will have most of the painful things out of the way. Let's see.

For Payal

For Payal...

Why do bad things happen to good people? Here’s a query that has bothered me for a while now. And the thing that has brought it back into focus is that one of my best friend, Payal, visited me yesterday to hand over her wedding invitation. She was to get married on Saturday (yesterday was Thursday evening) and was leaving for Bhubaneswar today. We had a nice girlie chat, everyone including my mom was excited about her wedding. She left in time for dinner with her parents. Imagine my shock when today morning i get the following message: “Zabid met with an accident last evening. Is in the icu. He is stable. Plz pray 4 us”. And all of a sudden everything is tossed out of balance. Her wedding has been postponed to don’t know when and she will now be rushing to Bhubaneswar not to get married but nurse her husband back to health. It’s sad when it happens to people who are genuinely good. Maybe shit happens with everyone but its more noticeable when it happens to good people. And I think I am rambling now... but Im really upset about this and I just screamt at two of the guys from IIFT interning with me for cracking a stupid joke and I just want her to be ok and I want him to be ok and I want them to be happy. Please just take care of her and her family.

Why I deserve to be in the Rugby Team for India.

time 7:30 pm

Venue : kurla station

destination: Vikhroli station(with some luck)

Mode: A fully crowded train with a lot of angry, snobbish (since i travel first class) and quite a few menopausal(ooh.... these are the worst when they get angry) women

So after a days work I believe in some play. After all, all work and no play is said to make Jack a dumb boy according to an age old adage and in this age of equality of the sexes and feminism what's good for Jack is good for Mary too... :P So i have trudged up the stairs from the harbour line platform, and come to the central line after many angry, sharp elbows in the back to the weird, frisky and overly excited males at the station which they well deserved btw.... but that was just a warm up for what is to come. The train draws to a halt . All of us rush forward. SCRUM!!! For the uninitiated it is the thing where you see all those big fat sweaty men on the two rugby teams lock heads(for lack of horns) and then spin around trying to push each other. this is usually done in a match when you need to restart play after a minor penalty or infraction has occurred . Well in my case the infraction is that the train stopped at the station. The two teams formed spontaneously are the ones getting in and the ones getting out. After 20 seconds of wildly pushing and pulling and letting words a lady would never use in public fly around without a care of whom they hit ( yes ppl the F*** and B**** words are common here some may even call it sledging) we are finally in motion gain. mainly because the train is taken off. The ones who were left behind on either the platform amongst those who wanted to board the train and those who wished to alight ; well its survival of the fittest. And then you have the entire phase where you align yourself according to the optimum position to get out of the train at your stop. A lot of pushing and pullinh, twisting and turning, watvching new scrums form and dissolve later its time for you to get back in the field again. you adjust the team. get the ones who are noyt willing to cooperate and move in the direction you want to move in to back down by gving them so much attitude, they'd think you were a diva amongst the divas... Once more I am in a scrum, and I hold position no matter who may try to fall on top of me.. And I Push when the train hits the station. And I am out again. Glad to say I have never been on the losing side till now.. so give me a chance at women's ruby... and that will be one tournament that Mumbai railways' commuters will never lose....

Summer Internship ke kisse

So i'm at this consultancy where we are trying to figure out how best to help a container company which currently has an ICD and CFS to come up with a multimodal logistics Park and my Delhi Counterpart is on a project which involves her calling exporters and asking them how they export or import coal. today morning for some reason the alarm on my cell did not go off( I think it wasnt charged or something) But at 6:00 sharp i had this dream where I saw me sleeping and suddenly my mentor walks in and screams ICD at me... that definitely woke me up on time... But thats not where this story ends...When I narrated this to my friend, she tells me she had a dream that she had called her mentor on the phone and that woke her up... man we may not know how to tackle our projects seriously but we sure are damn serious about them...

One Year just whizzed past and I didnt even notice

OMG!!!!!!! Did a year just go by??? It seems just like yesterday that I arrived in Kolkata... I can even remember what I was wearing ( Khaki capris with a white turtle neck T for the unbelieveing)... Scared, wondering what hostel life would be like , never having stayed in a hostel ever before in my life.... Amazingly its now time to pack up and leave for summer internships... and im still finding it very hard to believe that we have completed our first year of MBA....

Well a lot has changed but still, I would say most of the things are the same....I am still in the same room for instance :P... I think the few things i learnt about myself in this short and really super fast forwarded period is that a) I sleep too much for an MBA.... b) I have finally adapte myself to th efood in Kolkata... however the water here is where i draw a line... what's with the taste ????c) I can really adapt to new cities well( thats a bonus since i really want to go for marketing) d) my immunity has reached new levels due to the brilliant sanitary conditions of where we eat(street food in Kolkata... I could make a whole entry on that ) But most importantly I think what has changed is my confidence level... this is turning into a boring post ..,... I wanted it to be funny and nostalgic... but watever .. im gonna post it anyways because i want to remember this... This one is purely for me to read and remember in the future so please dont mind it :P... weird the things u hear these days.... anyways im off to bed now... 1:45 ....

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Wow, this has been one of the most exciting weekends i have had ever in my life. We had our student body elections and i have been elected to the post of joint media coordinator. Its absolutely crazy. I am glad I stood for them though.not only did i get elected but i also got a great experience of facing the class... maybe i'll end up getting over my stage fright in some time.... anyways as u can make out i am still not in a state where i can think coherently... i guess soon this high will wane and i'll be back to normalcy.. until then ciao....