A smile

Sometime, very rarely and only  if you pay close attention to your surroundings, you will see a sight which will make you glad for the opportunities you have had, for your parents and families( this you may feel grateful for more often too) and wish life was not so harsh on some of the rest of us, I experienced this yesterday during my tea break.

I work for an IT firm which is pretty big in India. We have a huge sprawling campus and a beautiful two storey cafetaria. all of this requires people to take care of it. It's one of these people who caught my eye. He must not have been more than 16 years. A janitor by profession, he's the one who cleans up the mess we create on the floor and leave on the tables. There was a bunch of peoplke in the late 20s and early 30s celebrating a birthday. And obviously like most people they smashed cake in the birthday boy/man's face creating a huge mess on the floor in the process. But all I saw this kid do was stand there and laugh with glee as he watched the scene. This is something that he is going to have to clean up himself. apart from that its an experience he can not afford to have at the moment. Its pure wastage of a slice or two of cake which he could rather have fed someone he knew. But I didnt see any anger or jealousy or envy on his face. He was happily laughing away, lost in the moment. and it made me realise that life really doesnt have to be as serious as we take it. We can just have a laugh  even when life doesnt give you as much as the other because you are content with your life/ you dont begrudge the others their happiness. We are so lost in one upmanship and coming up on top that most time we do not enjoy what we are doing. We make silly sacrifices like staying away from our families and friends, ignoring them giving more time to work and all for what? I was surprised.

I think the reason that smile caught my eye was because I don't think I smile that way as often as I would like to. I think I wanted to give this person so much more for just the pure innocence he displayed. I wished he could have had some more opportunities, he had had the chance to go to school or college and get a white collar job. But then I look around at all of us who did do that and wonder did we do this to ourselves, is the crazy rat race we run to blame for the lack of that pure spark of joy I saw in this kid? I'm not sure the material things I wish he had had, which I think would make his life easier would actually do much for his soul. Sure it would make his life easier but would he then start fighting for more the way we keep strugglnbg for the next big thing be it a phone, job, car, promotion. Obviously we are more blessed than he is. But we do not say thank you enough nor do we appreciate all that we have as much as it should be. I am glad I sit here knowing that I have an excellent family and friend system. I thank god for the eductaion and job opportunities he has given me. I am glad for the supportive environment I have at work. There are a million other things I am grateful for. And all that brings them to mind is the fact that a kid smiled in the cafetaria, a true smile with no malice, just a pure joyful amused smile. Are we really so starved of real human emotion? My takeaway from this kid is to always hold my head high, be proud of what Im doing, live in the moment and enjoy life whatever be the circumstances. And I wish more of his happiness and joy for life can be seen in people around me too. 

Up in The Air

I re-watched this movie today. More because of George Clooney and a little because I kind of relate to it. So the movie deals with this HR consultant who works for a firm which handles downsizing of organisations. He seems to be the typical I am a smart guy, I don't need anyone to take care of me, I'm just having a care free existence type and the last thing I want to do is settle or get married. There's also the young girl who he gets burdened with mentoring.

 She's just out of school and has all these ideas with which she wants to revolutionize the world. He is someone who understands the industry, cold-blooded or not, and does not agree with the changes completely. They go through quite a ride interacting with each other. it glamourizes the whole living out of the suitcase, being so career driven that you don't have a home to go to but all the hotels and travel industry people seem to love you. 

However, here's the part which I relate to, not that I'm flying around every few days but I seem to be on the way there. I've earned my degree, I have a good job, since I am in the services industry there is huge scope for travel and customer interaction in the future as I grow and I pick up things fast so hopefully that will be very soon. All this excites me. But there is the flip side. I) live away from my family, so far away in fact that even if I get leave for a week, the best option to get to them fast and give them most of my time is by flight. I see most of my friends settled or on the verge of settling down. And these days this includes kids 2-3 years younger to me and there is absolutely no one out on the horizon even for me. Most of my thoughts from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep and quite often even when I fall asleep, revolve around meeting the next deadline.

 And I think this is characteristic of most people who have struggled to get a good education. They want to make sure all that effort doesn't go to waste. That they do end up making a difference to the world. They are full of ideas and want to see them come to life. But at what expense? Where is the balance between their work and personal life? Is it lost "Up in The Air"? And this was actually what came to my mind on watching this movie. Where does one draw the line? For someone who has been taught to live by targets and once those are achieved reach for higher ones, does the quest for more ever end? Are we just being greedy? 

Another line which caught my attention " I do not mind being married to my job, I know it's not going to hold me while I sleep in my bed, but I don't want to settle" I do not want to settle. I want to get everything I deserve, everything I work for. I do not want to be in a certain place just because its the right time to be there. The right people and place matter just as much. but what if that never happens? And what if in search of this perfect Shangri-La all the not so perfect but almost there opportunities also walk away forcing me to eventually settle anyways. And that's when I wish there was someone who could look at me and tell me this is what is going to happen to you, if you do this with absolute certainty  the future scares me, the fact that the friends I was used to leaving behind are now leaving me behind in life scares me. Its not the race I'm referring to here, it's my life and there isn't much going right in it right now and that scares me.

I had once foolishly/naively answered the question what's your biggest fear with a bold "Nothing!" A few years later a slightly more aware version of me answered the question with that "I will die alone." I am sitting today at a stage where I have finally realized I was wrong both the times, my biggest fear is that "I will live alone. "

Insecurity

The more I see of the world, the more I think men are the most insecure things on the face of earth. For everything they have almost martial rules set down, and in case something is supposedly peaceful, they still manage to instill a certain martial element into it by just being men. 

What sparks these thoughts on a vacation you ask? Well here it is. I had a best friend. She got married. Since then her husband has massive issues with me speaking to her. The main two issues he has with me that he speaks about are, a) why does she not speak to me instead of you b) why does she not take my advise on her personal matters. Well if thats the problem then a) because you are a good friend but you are not my best friend. b) because I cannot tell u my girlie issues and you're never going to understand them either.  What I genuinelythink is the issue is that, I still remain my ex-best friend's confidant( the reason im insisting on talking about her in the past tense is that, she willingly or unwillingly is being pressurised into behaving the way her husband wants her to). The fact that both of them come from very different backgrounds has a huge role to play in it maybe. But I honestly think that very few Indian guys are brave enough to share their wives' attentions with anyone even if its of the same gender. They are insanely possessive and protective of these women. And they want to own them. Every exchange that poor girl has with the world has to go through them apparently. They have to have a say in the advise their girls give to others whether they are emotionally and mentally equipped to do this does not really matter. 

I believe most women enjoy the possessiveness. But there is a limit to it. The modern educated woman is not only about the house. She has her education and career to take care of too. She can be given some space. and trust too. yes you are not the only person in her life like probably your father was in his wife's life or his grandfather for his grandmother ryt upto the neanderthaal ages. However, you can trust you are the only man in her life and let her have some friends of her own. God knows you have plenty of morons hanging around you all the time. I can't believe the insecurities you suffer from when you get threatened by a girl your wife is friends with. Some emotional intelligence. Well, I have no patience for it. You can keep your wife. I will hereby never be contacting her or you again. All the best and don't look on me as a friend.

Homeward bound

I am going to attempt to rewrite the opening lines of Pride and Prejudice.

Original lines

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters."

Now my version in my context:


"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single girl in possession of a certain age must be in want of a husband.However little known the feelings or views of such a woman may be on her taking leave to innocently go visit her family, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the all the people in her workplace, that she is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of her native place's young eligible bachelors."

So as you must have guessed from the title, I am leaving for home within the next 5 hrs actually. And this is the supposition in everyone's mind. Some are brave enough to speak it out, some try to hide it but it shows anyways, some managed to hide it and some people are sensible :P

So I was supposed to go on an all girl's trip to Daman, a place close to Mumbai and for which I would have had to fly via Mumbai. Three of the 6 girls in my IIFT group are getting married and we wanted to go out one last tym as an all girls group with no guys attached and have a nice time. Unfortunately th every next day after I managed to get the leave required and book my tickets, one of the brides-to-be( no need to hold your breath, I'm not one of them) met with an accident, tore her ligament and was rendered not entirely useless but unable to move for 3 weeks. So since my mom misses me and keeps asking me to come home and meet her i decided let me go spend time with her instead.

 However, this innocent little thing has turned into such a headache for me because my single status is universally known too. And so the assumptions are Im going home to see guys( I hate arranged marriages people, give me a break.. its the yuckiest thing you could ask me to do). And this is just unfair. A girl can want to just spend some time after completing her education, with herself. Why must she immediately tie herself to domestic monotony with some guy she has never known? I have interests and hopes and dreams( I sound like an educate the girl child commercial now :P) of my own. And im not saying no to marriage but im just thinking let it happen when it has to.. Why are you, the society pushing me into it when my parents are willing to listen to me and not pressurising me into one?

Anyways, to whosoever it interests (though i dont for the life of me see why?) Im not getting married, Im not looking for guys, Im happy as I am and when I want to get married or look for boys, I will make it just as obvious as I have made the fact that I don't want to think about them now, so lets give it a break till then. :)

Just a pick me up!

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening and live like it's heaven on earth- William W Purkey.
Now there' s a quote if there has ever been one. And I don't even know who this guy is. However the fact of the matter is yeah it makes sense, doesn't it? The basic gist of course is, live life without worrying about other's and what they might do to you. there's always that side of you which is going to say i'm going to get hurt and I want to take care of me first but how much are you giving up on to make sure you are never hurt and are you happy to be living a life like that? you will fall and you will pick yourself up. But don't worry about what went wrong. Worry about how you will make it life. There is no success without a failure so if you are making a mistake(not a silly one) it means you are on your way to discovering something new because you dared to choose a path you did not know where it would lead you. You took it and came to a dead end but you will turn and find another nook or cranny you want to explore and someday you will get somewhere. 

Changing the world

So you see what's good and what's not. And if you have a decent head on your shoulder you see at least a dozen improvements required. However, all too often these changes are too big for you to effect on your own. Or the system is so corrupt that any attempt to make a differnce will be squashed mercilessly. So how do you change?

Start small. Change your immediate surroundings. Hope that inspires somneone to change something more. Soon hopefully you will have a domino effect running through and making a difference to a lot more things in a lot of different ways than you set out to change the world int he first place.

Will this really work you ask? You neevr know what will work and what won't? Being told aggression is th eonly way to attain your goals and then doing it finally through complete non-violence(reference the struggle for Indian Independance) is a classic example of this. it's definitely not going to be as easy as if you were able to take complete charge of the whole world and force everything you want down its throat. You may not see the change in your lifetime. But it will happen eventually. You will influence a handful of people who will influence another handful and it will go on and hopefully by the end of it things will fall into place. You may not get the credit for it. But credit's not required here. What's required is that it worked because that's what you set out to do in the first place. 

Seven Deadly Sins? Is that all?

Attitude! I believe this is bred of pure ignorance. Or even arrogance and ego. A state where you think you know so much and are so much better than everyone else that you just start being rude to them all. I have one question to these people, do they realise that it is humanly impossible to know everything, can they please acknowledge for the sake of progress that someone else who wishes to express an opinion might actually have some thing to add of value, something that could be the next innovation no matter how small, that everythign can be bettered and improvement happens only when you have an open mind to it.

Ignorance. You really cannot know everything. Nobody can. If you knew everything life would not be worth living anyways. there is just so much time you can afford to give to improving your skill set and only a certain way you think in. Had you taken the opposite direction when you started looking for knowledge you really would have been better at something else. So lets understand that most of us are ignorant about most of the things. why would you put an end to your learning by thinking you know it all and not letting further education or informtion seep through?

Arrogance. Being good at what you do is one thing. Being good at it and believing noone can do better is another.It stops progress right in its tracks. I already know how to do something and you dont so if you dont agree with me you can just hit the road.

Ego: the word itself oozes out me me me! Get over yourself for heaven's sake there are so many other people who have so much more to add. Please give them a chance. Dont think Im the one responsible/holding a certain position orin a position of authority and hence everyone will do as I please and if they dont i will make their lives hell. Stop.

Maybe this is a capitalistic world. And maybe everythign is dependant on the progress made. In which case the 4 attributes defined earlier are nothing but roadblocks. Maybe it's time to rethink the 7 deadly sins and make some additions to it.

Thought's on a funny pic.

Lol! How many of us actually agree with this? And the answer is probably going to be, all of us! We might not want to admit it but this picture is funny because most of us look at it and think, " hmm, wait a minute! That's exactly what I was thinking right now" Oh the source of the pic is a friend's wall on Facebook btw.

Now, here's the theory. Maybe we were being unrealistic when we first decided to pick someone we like after all. Maybe there is a certain age old wisdom underlying the whole, arranged marriage thing. Whow knows our needs better than our parents? So why not let them pick. At least I'm not gettting my heart plucked out mercilessly stomped upon and then returned to me in a state where I wish it would stop working rather than painfully dragging on through what remains of life.

And then again one thinks how unromantic! really you could not find one person. Or maybe it's just I stopped trusting people after the first one. Now when I even think of a guy, i'm so sure he's gonna leave me that I don't want to go down that path again. Maybe it's me coming to terms with reality, something my brother says will help me figure life out. Figure out who you are and then accordingly try to match it. But one's always partial to oneself. So I think I'm a million times smarter than I really am and a lot prettier too, which is a bit of a question really cos I think the max I pass off is cute or attractive in reality. But then again I'm hoping the adage beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder is really true. And if Swati happens to read this, I'm going to get a nice kick on my ass. But, here's the logic, if I were to do a realistic evaluation I would probably know what range I fit in, thereby ensuring I don't over-reach right?

There's another angle to it too. Why do I have to think about the one I fall in love with? Why does he have to be a certain age, certain qualification, certain family, certain, I don't know economic strata? Obviously i'm not gonna say pick a beggar off the street but what if there is someone who does'nt fit the mould and yet you wish it was him. Just because he makes you feel safe and secure and you trust him. At the end of the day if I need to spend my life with someone is'nt that more important? So should the heart then be let loose without the mind's control to just come to it's own conclusions? Would that require a certain amount of detachment and keeping a reality check too since if it does'nt work, it really should not affect me.

A friend of mine gave me an interesting analysis, disconnected with the above discussion of course. This was when I had my breakup. There are three scenarios,
a) the girl loves the boy more: this will never work, cos the girl will put him up on some pedestal he does'nt deserve to be on and then he is sure to leave cos guys are dogs and they are always looking for the meatier bone
b) they both love each other equally: most likely to occur from an arranged marriage I guess b'cos both of you don't know each other and are trying to figure it out and know you are stuck together anyways so might as well make the most of it. I find them such a compromise, I wish I did'nt really I do but I can't bring myself to be so practical about something so, or which I hope is so romantic
c) the guy loves the girl more: This has the highest probability of success because usually girls prefer being with one guy and if the dude meets the basic requirements then it can be worked out. In fact I've seen it work for most of my friends who have married their boyfriends.

But the thing with situation c is, is'nt it manipulating the guy? Are'nt you pretending to be happy or stopping the lookout because it's more convenient for you? I think a and c are essentially the same with the only exception being the gender. If the girl in c is more like a guy ( I hope you  get the drift ) then she is as liklely to break the poor guy's heart as the guy in a would break the girl's heart there. So is it all just a big lie? Does love not exist? Do we just decide that this is the point in my life where I want to settle down and then the person you are with at that point of time is the right person( i'm pretty sure this thought has come from some romantic comedy I watched, I can't recall which one though).

Anyways, like many of my questions I've left this one unanswered and more jumbled up too. It's a libran thing I think:P

p.s.: I am not in a relationship, hoping to get in one, getting married or seeing guys to get into an arranged marriage. These were the thoughts that came to my mind when I saw the pic and I put them down. I know how people jump to conclusions when they read such things and hence the rather lengthy disclaimer. Besides if any of the above were happening I would have been more inclined towards believing love exists and you would have known by the mood of my posts. So don't ask me stupid questions here or over the phone. :D 

Pani Puri!

A boring friday morning, tending towards afternoon actually and I am settled in a conference room with my new team. Im trying my best to look as busy as I can meddling around on my Desktop and hoping nobody realises that what I am really doing is thinking about my previous office and all the friends I left behind there. The new team is a good mix of new people hired from all over literally so we have people from andhra, chennai, delhi, haryana, rajasthan and of course, maharashtra(yours truly). Suddenly a stray sentence from the technical people's group catches my attention. the lady goes "hum toh nahi bolte yahaan ki pani puri wahaan se acchi nahin hain.. Kitne gande ho". To which the Andhra guy goes "but the pani puri from andhra is brilliant. There are all flavours of water there. Here there is only one". And it makes me think about the golgappas of delhi, pani puri of mumbai and probably the south and the puchhkas of Kolkata. These are the three variants I have tried and though the essence remains the same the flavours vary drastically across the country with Kolkata making a sour, spicy liquid, Delhi with its sweet 'imli' and suji(semolina) puri variation and Mumbai of course with the ragda and the mint/pudina chutney or sometimes pulses but definitely not boiled potatoes as with the other two places. And then I remember how passionate each region's people are about their version of this simple dish. And its fun to see the love for their own cuisine and culture. But at the same time one wonders how is this mixture of so many different people, each thinking they are better than the other surviving as a country? Why not just accept differences and enjoy the change than be caught up in a senseless "what my ancestors have been doing is the only right thing to do and I will not evolve" attitude? This thought always leaves me confused about my fellow countrymen( is countrywomen valid?). Lets just hope that at the end of it we are a more stable team than the easily disoluble pani puri.

What's in a name?

Well I was going through a friends blog actually and it revolved around a magazine run in their organsisation named horizon. And it got me thinking, whats the obsession Indians have with names? Do they really think naming something after a specific god, flower, tree, place is gonna guarantee the character/shop/book/restaurant will just automatically imbibe the qualities of that thing? I have come across so many magazines titled horizon or the indian version of it(Kshitij, which incidentally is the origin of my name too and makes me feel like Im on cloud 9) that I think its become cliche now. Where has the originality gone? Why not come up with something more in sync with your organisation or school than the normal done and expected thing. Its almost as if people are so desperate to belong and so blinded by faith and religion that they will do anything just to court success(or what they think will bring them success). Its not about the name or extending this the rings you wear but what you do and how you act because for every Sachin Tendulkar, there are a million other Sachins who are absolutely hopeless at the game and for every Mohammad Ajmal Kasab, there are a million other Mohammads who are peaceful human beings. Also note the ultimate irony, Mohammad was also the name of the prophet who gave millions of followers a new religion and belief. So whats the point, be creative, be rational thinking human beings, be DIFFERENT!!!

Mumbai

There were three blasts in mumbai today between 6:30 and 7. Office hours crowded places max damage . I seriously do not know what people wanyt to achieve with this. As days go by i begin to lose faith in humanity. But I feel for my people back home. They have been beaten and battered so many times. I love them. I know they will survive this like everything else before. You realise the importance and value of your place only when your not there. Sitting in Noida I wish i was back home where I belong. And I also realise how insignificant things liek a break up are cant afford to cry over stupid people who dont value you when you have so many ones who love you back home and who are in trouble. I seriously have not experienced such a feeling of helplessness or homesickness in my life. nor have i experienced such difficulty in expressing myself. One goes in shock on getting such news. You are not only worried about the safety of your own people but also you want to reach out to the people who's relatives or near ones have been harmed and soothe them, tell them you will be fine. but can you really tell them they will be fine? or are we hypocrites in saying that. All I know for sure is Mumbai is a strong city, the people there are the most formidable I have seen in the country and they will pull through this united and well as always. they will rise again and we will see why mumbai is mumbai and no other city compares to it. though now i have a feeling i sound like one of the politicians my reason for saying this is not because I wish to throw words of inspiration at anyone but because I know what the people there are all about and and what they are capable of. I love mumbai and its people and my thoughts are totally with you at this moment. wish I was there too.

random thought

and days will turn into a week, a week into two, a month will go by and then another... soon it will be a year..... and you will slowly fade and become a sliver of a memory.....all one has to do is be strong and disciplined at the start..... i will not lose my self respect for you.

What do you want?

Had another pre placement talk with a steel major. Had three veterans speak to us. It was amazing. The things that stayed with me though were

a) we have fabulous people coming and giving us fabulous opportunities

b) There is so much we can learn from them if we just dont let things go to our head

c) A statement made by the marketing head, do u know where you want to go and what do you want to achieve that will make you say this is what i wanted to do when i set out

What do i want to achieve???? I think i know but Im not going to lay it down here in case some HR checks my blog.. :P We are in an era where knowledge is literally flung out at us. Digital media has allowed us to literally have everything at your fingertips. SUre this has made us smarter at our age than maybe the previous generations but there is a flip side

It has oversimplified things

You want to know how a car engine works google it.

You want to see what you missed out on at your friends wedding you didnt attend.. no need to visit him.her just go to facebook

You want to know how to get from one city to the other, why google map has every minute direction laid down for you.

But you want to know where you want ot go in 20 years.... Well there are no directions for that are there... Now if only God would have little arrows pointing in the direction you should take or maybe a step by step flow of what to do next...

What do i want to do in the next 20 years...

I know I want to be in a job I love, and give it my best. And I want to make a difference. Not only at the workplace but also to the society. Now how vague does that sound?? or maybe i know what i want and its just that im still fine tuning it. Anyways... on the lighter side, I know I want to give preplacement talks for a great firm and have everyone hold me in high regard just like we hold those that we see before us today... :P Anyways dont think im concluding this one tonight.

Fleeting thoughts....

I'm stuck on the song Maria sang in The Sound of Music when she set out for her first day with the Von Trapp family "I have confidence in me". It may have something to do with the current phase where I am going to start looking out for something or it may not. Suddenly the emotions and the deeper meaning of the song seems to make so much more sense to me. And one realises that this is pretty much the decision which will select the path my life will take for a long time. Which gets us to the point where you realise running around like a headless chicken is no longer acceptable.... Informed decisions are the order of the day!

In a state of turmoil.

I love the starting lines from a movie titled "The Holiday". They go something like this.

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare says journeys end and love is meeting. extraordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespeare had. I suppose, I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said Love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicably love fades. For others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for a night. And then there's the other kind of love; the cruellest kind; the one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us, the ones who fall in love alone? We are the victims of a one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the unloved ones, the walking wounded, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space."

Ok, Maybe things are'nt quite as bad as this, you know how movies exaggerate everything. But it cuts pretty close to the truth. I look around and find almost all my friends happy with someone who proclaims he will love them forever. It's nice to see them growing up and moving on with their lives. But it unfortunately shows me how alone I am. The fact that my best friends now do not have as much time for me as they used adds to the loneliness and reminds me of the days when I would childishly tell my parents, I will never get married but stay with you and take care of you guys" and they would say "That's not the right way to think, everyone needs somebody to take care of them" Of course in my childhood I was also stubborn and I would scoff at this thought that I, an independent and smart young woman who has done pretty well academically and is very likely to build a career where she will be financially independent actually needs a guy to be happy. I now see the folly in that. It's funny how a lot of things come and bite you in the ass when you do not take informed decisions. I hate being bitten in the ass.

So what is it that has brought me to such a candid confession? I do not know really. Its probably the fact that I actually have developed another crush which I fast see coming to nothing. I'm pretty sure we both like each other but for some reason I think I am the only one who sees this as a crush or rather something beyond being friends, and that just makes it worse cos the guy being a friend is someone I cannot let go completely of either.

So how is it that all my friends are seeing someone and I am not. I cannot be so unloveable. I know for a fact that I am smart, funny, compassionate and understanding. I am good at making friends and keeping them and have an easy disposition. Usually people have a good opinion about me and trust me easily. And I am pretty good looking too apart from some flab which simply has to be got rid of soon.

Letting go; that's another thing I seem to be an expert for. Everytime I come across a guy and realise he may have other ties, or things are just not possible w/o some struggle I let go saying it was'nt meant to be most probably. I usually dont let go of anything w/o a fight actually but this is the exception to the rule and the reason is that I believe people cannot be forced into something like falling in love.

Well I do not have a conclusion to this. Maybe there is no such thing as real love and movies have hyped it to such an extent that a majority of its audience actually began believing in it and went ahead and fell in love with the other gullible fools who watched movies. This is the mean explanation I can come up with to console myself. The flip-side to this of course is that at least those gullible fools are happy while i am spending half an hour posting this analysis based on nothing but my assumptions. Maybe I should do a market research on this and title it " Love as a Commodity". Anyways, does'nt look like I am going to find the solution anytime soon so I myt as well stop beating around the bush and do something productive. However my dear readers, if you have any profound thoughts to offer to this confused person please feel free to do so. Either tell me how I could stop having crushes on people which do not amount to anything or how to convert them(preferable option) into something :P And if this fails, I guess I will have to do a market research on it.

Questions once more

Its 2:40 at night and I still feel like I am looking for something. I am not satisfied at all at the moment. What am i supposed to be doing here? I think I am just going to shoot off questions in this post and you just have to bear with me... I am of course assuming that someone reads this blog other than me...

As I approach another change and a big one at that, these questions just get more and more confusing.... I am at the moment in a very unique situation.... Most of my friends are, by now, settled happily in life be it their job, their clarity on career path or being committed to someone. I suddenly find I have none of these stabilising factors.... and its driving me a little insane with worry. Once more I will be uprooted from a settled lifestyle( that of a carefree student) and thrown into the big mean rat race... Only now it gets much more meaner and dirtier... It is at times like this that i question my ability.... I know I have proven myself many times before... often surprising everyone around me pleasantly but I am not sure how much effort will be necessary to pull off a surprise here... And man do i need to pull off a brilliant surprise here...

In case This is sounding very vague let me just put it down as a series of questions as they come to my mind

Is college really coming to an end

Will I ever have as much fun as I do now( Esp felt when i witness the daily adventures of my fav characters in class Sayo, Meanie, Ipsi,Shveta, Neha, Rohatgi and STRAWBERRY!!! :P)

Where the bloody hell am i headed in life now? I am still struggling to figure out which stream I am gng to get myself into and theres a month and a half left... im so dead

Will I be able to adjust to another change in life

Am I even doing the right thing, especialy when I see all my school friends working , settled in their lives, buying homes and cars...and i am again at a stage where i have to start out with nothing in hand....

What do companies expect of me now? How does one prepare???

Why am i so clueless.. Please dear god tell me everyone feels the same cluelessness

So now do you see why i am so sleepless tonight???? Please let me find the answers to some of these questions soon.....

Do animals adopt the behaviour of the people surrounding them....

Eureka!!! I have found the answer in Kolkata. The answer is they do btw. Here is a comparative study between animals from the same species in Mumbai and Kolkata

Cats: In Kolkata- I am a cat person... I had a pet cat so i pretty much understand what noises they make for what occassion. So here's the situation.. I am quietly studying for my exams tomorrow and I hear the sound of two tomcats readying for a fight. I tell Ashmita, those two cats are going to fight. For the next 15 mins I hear those cats making warning noises at each other. I finally reach the limits of my patience(anticipation???) and decide to investigate. What do you think i found??? In traditional Bengali syle, these two tomcats are standing at a foot distance from each other and growling away to glory. They are not even attacking each other... Not that i wante them to attack each other(Not a sadist) but I think after all that build up they should have at least left some scratch marks on each other.

The mumbai cats: I remember my cat,(stupid creature) always getting into fights. And he got into fights at exactly 6 in the morning, when i woke up because he knew i'd come get him out of it( For the unbelieving , I have actuallt hit another tomcat with a stick to get him to leave my cat alone...I think i was taking the girls getting into cat fights thing a little too seriously at that stage of life.. :P however coming back to the comparision without further digression, in Mumbai when these creatures decide to fight, they actually do that rather than have debates with each other like Bengali cats.

Similarly the dogs in Kolkata do not get off the road even if you honk at them. They continue sleeping and you have to drive around them. Because they are entitled to the roads you see. Thats the great thing about Kolkata, everyone knows their rights and stands up for them.... The dogs in Mumbai can usually be seen on the road only while crossing it. Which they cross after checking both sides I am sure.

And don't even get me started on the cattle in Kolkata. Crazy things come straight at you. I have not really observed the cattle in Mumbai because i guess they are too meek and like the dogs and cats of mumbai go about their business of grazing and producing milk in a quiet business like fashion.

Anyways, I am pretty sure by now you must have guessed my exams are around the corner, because thats when im at my nuttiest best. So im going to end this post as abruptly as I started it. And oh the cat's fight was finally split up by a stray dog who started barking at them. :P I love Kolkata....

Forced to turn into an Insomniac

Is'nt it funny! Just a year back I had sworn I could never be the type who would stay up late hours and sleep 4 hrs a day like all the other MBA grads. But now I find I never really had the choice. What makes me wonder is do I really want to willingly step into a world where I know that most of my time will be given to work, that i may not have the time to enjoy simple things like go for a swim or listen to music? How can I possibly be doing this voluntarily.

Or am I just not able to optimise my time even now. I know of classmates who sleep 7 hrs a day and still manage to do a darn good job of whatever they are doing.

Or am I as usual biting off more than i can chew. I hope this habit of mine does'n t take me down one day.

Well whatever it is, it needs to be sorted out fast. I think next month will be easier as we will have most of the painful things out of the way. Let's see.

One Year just whizzed past and I didnt even notice

OMG!!!!!!! Did a year just go by??? It seems just like yesterday that I arrived in Kolkata... I can even remember what I was wearing ( Khaki capris with a white turtle neck T for the unbelieveing)... Scared, wondering what hostel life would be like , never having stayed in a hostel ever before in my life.... Amazingly its now time to pack up and leave for summer internships... and im still finding it very hard to believe that we have completed our first year of MBA....

Well a lot has changed but still, I would say most of the things are the same....I am still in the same room for instance :P... I think the few things i learnt about myself in this short and really super fast forwarded period is that a) I sleep too much for an MBA.... b) I have finally adapte myself to th efood in Kolkata... however the water here is where i draw a line... what's with the taste ????c) I can really adapt to new cities well( thats a bonus since i really want to go for marketing) d) my immunity has reached new levels due to the brilliant sanitary conditions of where we eat(street food in Kolkata... I could make a whole entry on that ) But most importantly I think what has changed is my confidence level... this is turning into a boring post ..,... I wanted it to be funny and nostalgic... but watever .. im gonna post it anyways because i want to remember this... This one is purely for me to read and remember in the future so please dont mind it :P... weird the things u hear these days.... anyways im off to bed now... 1:45 ....

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Wow, this has been one of the most exciting weekends i have had ever in my life. We had our student body elections and i have been elected to the post of joint media coordinator. Its absolutely crazy. I am glad I stood for them though.not only did i get elected but i also got a great experience of facing the class... maybe i'll end up getting over my stage fright in some time.... anyways as u can make out i am still not in a state where i can think coherently... i guess soon this high will wane and i'll be back to normalcy.. until then ciao....